procrastinating

i'm currently trying to get around to writing the next part of Deathdream.  however, since i have absolutely no idea what happens next (other than one or two vague ideas involvng cobbles and rooftops and walls...um...), i thought i'd write this instead.

i'm still trying to work out how the writing part of my brain functions.  so far, it seems to be, rather like the rest of me, fairly erratic.  i seem to go for days not feeling it, then get a quick burst of a day or so, then nothing much again for a bit.  check the posting dates and times of deahdream and you'll see what i mean.  in between, though, i seem to get these occasional flashes of what can only be described as "Other Stuff".

(hmmm...that's an awful lot of "seeming"... *editor-self raps writer-self over the knuckles with a wooden ruler that goes "byoyoyoyoyonnng"*)

take this morning, for instance.  i was suspended between waking and sleeping and, as has happened to me before when i've been in this place, the germ of a story sidled into my head.  not a very long one though.  i suppose it would more-or-less be categorised as "flash fiction" (which is, BTW, a term whose meaning i'm still only hazily familliar with...).  the weird thing was, i was actually dreaming in words.  i don't mean i was dreaming a voice telling me the story, i mean i was actually watching the words appear before my eyes, overlaid on the scene they were describing.  which, of course, didn't strike me as the slightest bit odd at the time, since i was dreaming, and these things don't. 

but it strikes me as somewhat odd now.  encouraging, but odd.  because this is kinda sorta how i read.  i see the words, but i also see the pictures...

forgive me, i'm rambling.  i'm also, as it happens, cursing myself, since i could remember every single word when i woke up.  and it seemed coherent (which, let's face it, so often isn't the case), and i didn't write it down.

damn! damn! damn!

and now, thanks to the usual distractions of a busy day (doing little but reading), most of it has disappeared back to where it came from.  i am kicking myself so hard at the moment, because i can remember the basic shape of it, but not the linguistic nuances that made it more than just words strung together. 

it's gone flat.

***

just as an aside, it occurs to me to wonder if that's where i keep my story silt, between the shores of sleeping and waking...?

can you say stupid?

i have a colleague named jo.  she's lovely, and a fellow writer, too.  last backend, she moved to the office in our neighbouring city.  not too long after, just before christmas, she decided that she missed us all, and we arranged a night out after work.  she came in on the bus,and we all had a lovely time.
a couple of weeks ago, i got an email from her saying that she wanted to repeat the night out. 
great.  i was excited.  i haven't been ot since christmas (we don't get out much), so obviously, i was really looking forward to it.
today, i had a much better day than yesterday, despite yet another crap night's sleep.  it is friday.  i was happy.  work wasn't too much of a pain.  i felt good.  went back to lush and got a couple more of those delicious bathbombs that i used last night.  got an item sorely needed from boots, caught the bus, as usual.  headed for home.
alighting from the bus in my home town, i walked on to the market place, and had a small bliss moment, communing with the moon.  all still good.
now, normally, hubby is waiting on the market place, waiting to give me a lift home (because if i'm on the bus instead of the motorbike it is, by definition, dark and cold). 
hubby wasn't there.
so, yeah, fine, i thought.  he's probably been delayed, as he often is on a friday.  so i gave him a ring.
"hello, love.  where are you?" (expecting: "just coming off the roundabout - i'll be there in a minute")
"i'm at home"
huh?
"How come?"
"because you've gone out."
"uh - what?"
"you've gone out."
so, you see where this is going, right?
i. am. SUCH. a. fuckwit.
really - HE had to tell ME where i was supposed to be.
and STILL it took a few moments to register.

really.  sometimes even i can't stand what a spawny-eyed, parrot-faced wazzock i really am.

the worst thing is, it's not an isolated incident.

*sigh*

in other news, apparrently, my shiny new internet connection begins on 25 or 26 of feb.  can't come soon enough.  i'd do a happydance, but i'm just too despondent with my own unbelievable idiocy at the moment.

other than the moon, a few more small bliss moments happened today, so i'll share these, to try and cheer myself up by reminding said self that i might be irretrievably incompetent at life, but at least i can still appreciate the beauty in the world.

1. a flock of gulls sweeping through derby's morning streets at a height of about 10 - 15 feet.  i see them nearly every morning during my walk from the bus stop to work.  i always stop to appreciate them.  they are beauty itself.

2. deaf people talking at the bus stop,  again, beautiful.  sign language is the closest thing to dancing you can do when standing still.  it's rude to stare, i know, and they must get so sick of people doing so, but it gives me bliss to watch, and i wish i could do it too. i know a few words, and a joke, but that's it. *sigh* another on my long list of languages that i would love to learn,along with - in no particular order - italian, better french, punjabi, and welsh.

3. a beautiful, beautiful cloud.  stunning.  and i can't seem to post the pic (again!) and i can't be arsed to fiddle with it, now, but it's on my twitpic feed.  here's a fun squeaky fact to finish with: i'm a proud member of the cloud appreciation society.

oh, yeah - and if you want to know where the title of this blog comes from, it's a Pink Floyd song, called "learning to fly", that could have been written for me.  it is me. 

still earthbound, always learning, always trying.

one day, i'll remember how.